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Ok, so this one I really like. This one will definitely be revisited, so any and all comments as to its improvement would be greatly appreciated. Especially that title, cuz it's the worst.

Written for this week's :icona-year-of-writing: prompt: Loss.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-03-03
In Into the Grave, Halatia turns a true story into something we can all relate to. ( Featured by neurotype )
snowysylva Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is a lovely emotional piece. I like the inclusion of doing what he would have done - gives a little extra characterization that adds that much more the feeling. Well done!
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2014   Writer
Featured here
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
mhm - the title is a little issue in the sense... well it gives off a different feel. Having said that, it is up to the reader after all. Many might be expecting an emotional piece. I was expecting more of a 'horror' one.

The work is nice and balanced. There is a certain lack of emotion in the middle but I didn't find it that disturbing. Why? The writing was believable. I could imagine a person doing so, moving the grass, trying to locate the grave. Plus, too many works go on to reminiscing and making people cry so as I said before - this was balanced. However, I DO feel that after you finally found the grave, there should be a slight addition to what you felt or at least a little more than just recalling the name you called him by. It feels like you quickly moved from the grave - even adding something like expecting sorrow to take over, yet wondering why it isn't, wondering if it is wrong for him to stand there and not weep - adding something like that may make it better in my opinion.

The ending however was well worded (with the only issue that he suddenly felt very fear yet it stated as if he was fearful all along - sorry if that is hard to explain). The ending lines described a beautiful moment.

Congratulations on the DD!
TruthisTruth Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2014  Student Writer
Congratulations on the Daily Deviation! :clap:
ishraki Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I understand when a work of art is good when my extrasensory senses start kicking in. I read through this short memory and it felt well written all through though when I got to the line regarding the hand written sign, it transformed into a cautionary preparation. the word Dzia, startted the chill and the last line continued that shiver down my spine. thank you for sharing this beautiful humble piece of mind.
C-A-Harland Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2014  Student Writer
Beautifully written and very poignant.

yaoi4eva666 Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm crying right now ; v ;
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2014   Writer
Beautiful.  I'm truly speechless.
DanielleIvanova Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I really appreciated the descriptions, they were incredibly lifelike and suitable to the mood. The ending isn't very original but it's powerful nonetheless. It did stir me :nod:
Aranov Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Professional Artisan Crafter
It's beautifully written, but still beautifully sad. My grandmother is buried in that kind of cemetery where the gravestones are flush with the ground, so that really resonated. I haven't been back since the funeral, almost five years ago- I'd rather remember her through the 40th anniversary cross stitch sampler my mom and aunt made for her and Pawpaw, and her high school ring that Mom wears now, so old that the gold is worn down to render the designs impossible to make out. She tried to teach me to hand-hem once, and I wish she could see how much more patient and skilled I've gotten. It sounds trite, but I hope you understand what I mean when I say thanks for sharing. :heart:

Two things, one of them mostly just a question: "Dzia" is Polish for "grandfather"? I think you've got enough context clues in there; I've just never encountered it before. And the "mausoleum" standing guard. (Stupid French words and their stupid extraneous vowels. :P)
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2014   Writer

(Glad you mentioned mausoleum.)

So many graves are flush to the ground now, it would take a guide to find several of my deceased friends. But they like r.i.p. in another US state, so I rarely think of them. But dreams? Yes, I dream of them very often, and it carries through the day. Halatia did a great job writing how lots of people feel when faced with mortality and loss. It seems every one of the five senses is  used. Or maybe not.

Do you still want a new title?

Maybe: The Flat Stones, The Older Cemetery, On the Other Side, I Miss Him, Falling --and that's all I think of now.

beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014   Writer
Beautifully written. :heart:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I got nothing. Maybe even out the voice a little more, tehre's places where it transitions from jarring to flowing, but it kind of works iwth the mood anyway.
zebrazebrazebra Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2014  Professional Writer
This is gorgeous. However, in the thumbnail I saw the first line and totally thought this was going to be about people selling plots, you know, for stories, and now I want to see you write that one too.
DanielleIvanova Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:lol: I thought that, too! It was a catch and I must admit the turn disappointed me a bit. Selling story plots would sure be an interesting thing.
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Submitted on
February 13, 2014


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