Sta.sh
I.
Around here
when mornings break
they shatter,
sun turning
frost to watery
October raindrops
that water
the last brittle,
blushing chrysanthemums.
I wonder
if tulips can
hear prayers,
if wishes
can hurry Spring's
first breath.
II.
Around here
when nights fall
they plummet.
Frost spreads
spiderweb fingers that
cover pumpkins
that should
have been collected
weeks ago.
I wonder
if birds will
ever share
their secret,
the time to
fly south.
| Deviant Login | Shop |
 | Join deviantART for FREE  |
Take the Tour  |
It's up to you. I think it would be well either way.
You know all about how critique is supposed to work, so I'll just jump right in!
I absolutely LOVE that first stanza. The idea of morning - which is often associated with softness, quiet, contemplation, etc - shattering is shocking and beautiful. It sets us up to read a poem that's not run of the mill, which is very refreshing.
I think some of the wording in the next two stanza gets overly repetitive though. 'watery' 'raindrops' and then 'water' again within three lines is too much water. I see the image you're going for. Maybe instead of simply describing the scene, you can add some personality to it. For example:
"sun converting frost
to glistening beads
which kiss the last
brittle, blushing
chrysanthemums."
We get the same image, but with only one mention of water ('frost') and put some personification on both the dew and the flower. It's something to think about at any rate.
I assume the mention of tulips is in reference to their bulbs which, if I remember correctly, are generally planted in mid fall to early winter. I think to help cement that image, you could tell the reader that you are planting the bulbs and wondering if they hear your prayers for an early Spring. As is, it feels a little disconnected from the rest of the poem, despite the mention of flowers earlier.
The second half of the poem feels much weaker than the first half. Like you were just trying to balance out the day vs. the night. That's not always necessary, but if you do want to keep that balance in there, consider really digging into what actually happens at night. Besides frost spreading, what creatures come out? What stars can be seen? Are there plants that close up?
Again with the last two stanzas I run into a disconnected feeling. We go from talking about frost covered pumpkins to birds - which we generally see more of during the day. I like the idea behind the birds sharing their 'secret' and think it does make a good close to the poem. But it feels tacked on with no connection to the other thoughts.
Honestly, I feel that this would be better written as a sort of story poem. Someone puttering around in the garden and noticing the frost, the flowers, the birds, etc. You could even throw in some insects just to spice things up.
I hope you find this helpful. I did enjoy the poem and
Lili
Good adherence to form and meter cause this poem to have high readability as well as relativity. Reliance upon the length and the form limits the room of the subject matter, though the full-circle feeling is felt by the reader with the well-executed title-final verse, maintained out of the "forced feeling" wirth the poetic style.
Short, but succinct.
Small but full idea.
Well streamed thought, with no actual distractions, no mentions of outside themes that aren't properly interwoven into the piece.
The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork
Please sign up or login to post a critique.